14 – Otherhood

She lacked the sense of belonging since she was very little. At first, this seemed like a result of growing up with her grandparents after her father passed away and mother moved to Italy with her new husband. But she always had the sense that she was left with her grandparents because she lacked the belonging. Her grandparents were too loving, caring and open-hearted to make someone feel left out. Especially her grandmother had an unshakeable compassionate heart that was embracing the weakest, the poorest, the most dump ones in Sitovo. Perhaps she was on another end of the otherhood Angle was feeling.

Otherhood was so distinctive in her nature from birth that she did not even doubt this was not a common feeling for everyone. In the grandmother and grandfather’s village Sitovo, where the strange, unreadable Sitovo inscription carved on the walls of a cave, at an unknown date in an unknown language, everything seemed a bit hazy, in the air, off the trail. That was making things easier for Angle in a way that she felt less under pressure of acting in certain ways as it was in the city life.

“Everyone must be having some weird dreams at night and some funny thoughts during the day. Everyone must be wondering about other lives, other sorts of lives.  Everyone must be finding it exhausting to be together with others and to have conversations about everyday things like food, weather, farms and other things.”

She thought feeling different must have been a part of being human, even if she did not think about this using these exact concepts she never suspected her sense of otherhood to be a distinctive trait. It felt like an endless struggle against one’s own will, to adjust to the surroundings. Being a human was a compromise. She thought she must be having her share. She envied the animals, herbs, trees and stones who seemed to be more in a carefree mind zone. Their actions were simpler.

As she moves through her teenage years to her adult ages, she got terrified to see the sense of otherhood she carried was growing stronger whereas others around her were already tuned into the environment.

Her dreams started to change from discovery trips to struggles. When she first moved to Italy at 15, she started to dream about an eagle which showed up at least once a week in her dreams. She had been racing with the same eagle for almost a year. She was wishing to take off to somewhere to feel home. Flapping her arms did not help, she ran as much as she can, many times knowing in her heart that she should stop imitating the eagle if she wanted to really fly. But there was never time to stop and try something else, she just ran, seeing herself as a sweaty cartoon character. Maybe if she had dug her otherhood, she could have discovered a new method for flying, but not until the very last weeks of her life she did not try to stop and think in the Eagle dream.

The biggest difficulty of having born with the nature of “otherhood” was accepting it. One would dare to accept his otherness if he feels strong enough to face being alienated by the society. But was that so? She, time to time, subtly wondered, if otherhood can be a home, for the souls who fell strange on the earth.

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