What can a woman be?

The biggest dilemma many women suffer from is the ambiguity they have about their own gender. They put a lot of effort into trying to understand what being a woman is. “I am a woman and I want to act and feel like a woman” is a continuous chat in their mind. They wish they could sort out that issue sometime soon, so they can finally enjoy being complete in their experience of their feminine nature.

Are we aware of the difference between being a woman and being in connection with our feminine side? I strongly doubt it as a woman myself and looking at other women in my circle. Our understanding of “being a woman” suffocates our relationship with our feminine side which exists not only in the women but also in men, in animals and even in our food. Yes, I am talking about the Yin Yang circle!

In the last few days, I found myself having charged conversations on “being a woman” with my female friends. In one of them which probably triggered my close attention to the subject, a girl friend was talking about her desire to have a baby and suddenly I found myself under some interrogation lights, as to why I  have no desire to be a mother. After the conversation turned into a mess, I started to wonder why this was making me look less woman in their sight. Perhaps I was missing something just there, after a glass of wine. Why did I keep hearing the word “feminist” in the flow of that conversation? How was this relevant to feminism? What does feminism have to do with being a mother? I still don’t get it, after taking the time to hink about it.

With all due respect to all women carrying the desire of having a child or are now mothers, including my mother, I can sincerely say that it has been almost 15 years I never had the desire. I am not feeling guilty about it. I was probably around 20 when I dreamed of having a child with a boyfriend. He was in my dream recently. We were at present time and dating, he asked if I wanted to have a baby. I indifferently answered the question, unsure and searching for the right answer “I guess we should start to think about that, one should be enough, it is necessary, isn’t it, at least one?” It felt really dull and I was grateful to be waking up from that dream.

I am one of those women who always looks for the cafes, the restaurants, and the hotels that are less family friendly, requests a quiet area for business purposes, even if I am not there for business and I am not alone. I always have things to read, write, and learn about, contemplate on. I need that time and space for the ideas to come into existence and grow, meditate, explore. Perhaps, a story or poem to note down or a lifehack to explore and redream the universe around me… The energy this requires is unique and authentic and I am happy to stay with it to nourish it. I connect to the creative source that blooms beautifully and I find this very feminine as it comes with sweetly sensed warm and breezy womb.

I hear the phrase “wild woman” a lot these days on social media. Either someone finally worded this out for us all or my selective perception is on the play. When I thought about this for a bit I felt like saying “Exactly! That is something another thing women can be.” I could picture the woman who is connected with her primitive, earthy and raw feminine nature. Even though I questioned the word “wild” in the phrase, I think it works well on some level, tells us about the qualities and bring us concrete images to relate to. We can see the associations; a tree with its branches, leaves, flowers and trunk and its nurturing roots, earth, nakedness, vulnerability, openness, the power of the soft and the strength of the compassionate, sensuality, uncalculated motions, flowing and direct. That wild and raw side connects us, women, to our authentic self, as it awakens.

She knows the difference between the “what” and the “how” and she is interested in the latter one, she looks for the “way”, the ways to go about things. She knows that she has the inner wisdom that drives her in her unique path, which unfolds in front of her eyes. Instead of getting somewhere, looking for a prize or virtue, she is appreciating the relationships, how she relates to the things and people surrounding her, initially to herself. She experiences her feminine power while relating to the things in her wilderness, her uncut version of herself.

She has the desire for being in the moment and in the “being” itself. She is unique in her connection with herself. She values it so much, because she is not doing this out of her gender role, but as a human being in self-inquiry. Her gender is a form, that gives her different tools than men’s, she acknowledges the difference and appreciates them. She dreams, she senses, she flows…

She might appear like a rebel time to time, and this might seem masculine. For her, it takes long years to distinguish the society’s definition of masculine and this raw feminine nature from each other, therefore she grows up with the labels like “tom boy”, “boyish”. Perhaps she has sisters, mother and girl friends who confused their wild feminine calls with the manliness as well, it is possible that many others got that wrong. Media, religions, organised relationships, feminism, LGBT communities all had things to say about the gender, but not the essence behind it and how we relate to it. As the feminine essence stayed unspoken about she appeared to be hiding behind the walls keeping her unorthodox and unconventional ways out of sight.

She still makes effort for expressing her “self” though. She has been misjudged many times, she knows she cannot be seen through easily, she can bee too bright for eyes. Se knows, not many people are ready for the next big thing, the free woman, in a genderless language, she would say “free human”.

She trusts her world would never shatter when she is whole and in relation with her feminine essence. She craves for a connection and tunes into it. She becomes present to her feminine power, through her creative and dreaming source, her womb.

She is turned on about life, she is fine with her human side and in touch with her nature. She does not request any privileges for being woman. She does not look for additional duties and roles to feel more woman.  She knows true connection lies beneath the forms, deep down.

She is pregnant with a child that she is dreaming about since she fell into her mother’s womb. Layer by layer, she can peel anything told about what being a woman is and she can give birth to something authentic, something that is unique to her: A free human.

When she is silent, she knows the world is not ready to hear about that next big thing. This is her compassion.

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