With appreciation to all women
who lead their lives as
“a woman on top”
and carry this as a quality with grace.
I would like to admit publicly that apparently I was not a marriage material in the conventional sense and apologise to the men, to start with, whose time I wasted.
The aim of this post is to explain about the “women on top”. I also of course want to publicly confess how fraud I was when supposedly dating, in order to find a family guy. I even suspected that I was either bisexual or asexual looking at my lack of enthusiasm for a relationship.
After so many self-discovery techniques, relationship books and heart opening meditations my communication with my family, friends, colleagues and clients developed, however there was no single step forward in my romantic life. Perhaps, the men I met did not like my independent and self-confident attitude or my sarcasm and dry sense of humour. I was very frequently defined as a masculine woman. I couldn’t understand how I could come across masculine despite my curvy figure and sexiness. Did I appear gay? My gay friends, assured me that I was completely fine and appeared as a straight woman. But this wasn’t the only definition I have been labelled with some friends and men around me. Dominant, controlling, bossy…
Of course I was questioning myself! But my questions started to clear up along the way. I came to notice that even very well-educated, open-minded people were unable to make distinction between masculinity and the qualities like “determined”, “sharp”, “bold”, “direct”, “leader”, “intelligent”. These are the qualities associated with the male gender. While going through my life struggles and work towards being a silent being, a puzzle of self was completing step by step. I was trying to understand the discrepancies between how I feel about myself and how I come across. In the heart of these self-inquiries I was questioning “Who am I?” and “Who am I not?”
At some stages, I tried to fit into some roles but found myself suffocated under the roles and definitions. I see my stand to be actually deeper than objecting the social norms. It is beyond sociological and ontological discussions, for me it is a matter of being. I now feel in a position to see the bigger picture and the tiny details creating it. Apparently I liked the qualities that made me a “woman on top” and all the women on top around me.
Perhaps, this is why I hated the questions like “Do you cook?” on the dates. I was reluctant to let my domestic side shine and answered those questions indifferently: “Oh yes, I love making salads and soups. I make very good omelette” Of course these were not considered to be proper cooking in that context and I did not dare to go to the subconscious of the asker. Would you not take that as a guided question? You can see where the question is heading, no?
To answer this question honestly once for all, I have always been experimental in cooking. That was like working on a riddle and having fun. How could I satisfy my over functioning mind, following traditional dishes and spending time with the strict measurements? Who set the taste standards anyway? It is wonderful to say let’s see what comes out of the oven. I might of course reach a recipe in the book after failing and trying again and again on my own, but would that not be my own recipe. I am not willing to follow any paths without myself finding it. That experimental, playful and curios being screams inside, “Mum, look no hands!”, of course I fall, and I can fall freely next time since I learn to get back up. A recipe can be my twice-discovered America and I appreciate the joy of play. So I don’t cook, I create and play. While talking over this killer date question I came up with a great answer “I don’t cook much, but I’d love you to cook for me.” Cheeky, no? But for real…
So I can see for myself how he relates to the eggs, the blender, the grater and the cheese and the pumpkin. The chopping board… Is it wood or granite? Does he slice the onion thin or thick? Coriander or parsley, fresh or dried? Does he measure or dream the taste on his palate, like I do? Is he analytical or creative? Is he the Bill Gates of the kitchen or go for a Steve Jobs spirit? I would be intrigued to see him setting the oven and watching the countdown on it. Would he be anxious or sure about the outcome? I would love to see him putting the cooking gloves on, I wouldn’t bother most of the time for that instead would grab a towel. Is he excited pulling the tray out of the oven or does he know exactly what is going to come out?
As I said, I am not a marriage material in the common sense, especially if it is set to seriousness and the definitions. Please no one tell me the democraticness of our societies. World is failing us in every corner. Regardless of the mediocrity in our societies, some of us are still set to live their lives as a “woman on top”. I don’t see the concept of “woman of top” being understood anytime soon, by many, by our societies with border line IQ and EQ levels.
People, women and men, regardless of their sex and sexual orientation, they lack the insight into the difference between the leadership and bossiness. They often preach about the norms without realising and confuse the determination and intelligence with the dominance. Women on top, would not bother with controlling others, they have so many ideas to project and so much resources to experiment with. Once we, women on top, are outcast to the norms, there we find our homeland. We fell many times and got up. We don’t look for someone to lift us up, we shake the dust off our knees and walk. We don’t fear from falling, even we fear we don’t mind about the fear, we love the free falls and we get up. We have the muscles of a bobo doll and are set to rise back up.
The women on top are not the controlling, bossy and dominant women. They do not really bother with being better or smarter than others. They appreciate the greatness inside others. They are set to lead their own lives. They don’t aim to be on top of you or others, they are on top of themselves, their own pursuits, their experimental living and being. The women on top have to be light to uplift themselves and maybe carry others if there is need. They don’t want to level down to reach you to drag you around. They want to enjoy the ride together. They are on top and carry this as a quality, they can’t be otherwise as this is their true, authentic nature. This is the way they are, like it or not.
They would be happy to watch you cook, even some cannot follow a recipe to make a perfect dish. They can appreciate the taste and the love you put into it. They feel the joy of being in their authenticity and appreciate the uniqueness inside you because they know what it is. They want to love and be loved and will appreciate you feed them with simple oven baked pumpkin, after feeling alien in a society with below the average intelligence rating.
I feel like a woman who has never left the playground. Some would say I have never lived a real childhood as I grew up in classrooms and was a teenager at university. But after going through those memories of the child I see the woman on top somewhere inside her, and I see the woman I am now who has actually never stopped being that child.
Why do we think childhood and adulthood happen on a linear line? Are they not qualities of us actually? Our beings expand in a spiral. We take wonderful rides as the singing carrousel called life turns round and round. A woman on top sits on her horse and enjoy the ride. Being on top is authentic nature to her.