Making effort to cope with the every day issues of the existence in the land of nothingness is a mere illusion. You sometimes start to think that nothing is really important, nothing has any value. A dark spirit sits on your chest, everyday life becomes a burden on your shoulders and you wonder what it was that gave you the hope and courage to survive on the earth from the first day. How come you came this far…
You started crawling first and walked in the living room of the house while mum and dad were clapping. You started cycling and swimming and learnt maths…. You had your first
crush on that popular boy or girl in the school or in the summer house or was it the neighbour’s kid. You felt the pain, you felt the love and a deep sense of guilt. Good or bad, everything was manageable. You went through ups and downs finally grew up to become something. You learnt many personal skills to be a part of the society hoping that it will only get better. Bettering meant going forward in a timeline but you have been missing something invisible and ineffable.
You sit down to remember the smell of the ocean, quiet pebbles soaking the sun and the breeze from the ocean all day, sand in your feet, mouldy metals to play in the garage, the grass soft like a cushion under your bottom, clouds that passed over your house, butterflies with velvet wings and their endless rush in their short lives, snails, birds chirping in the woods, smell in the wood cutting season in the neighbourhood, your curiosity for the world outside, your imaginary friends from the books you read, questions with no sense, funny answers and beyond all that, your sense of time… Snail speed of time… Everything around you then, was in slow motion, you ran the fastest, you laughed the loudest, you walked long and there was something about the time in the childhood, time did not disturb you. The clocks ticked much quietly, they have never shushed you. Now, in the midst of the rivers of the time rushing to merge with the ocean from the hilltops and mountains of existence, you feel the futility of the idea of it. You want to disown it. You want rest and peace.
You now understand that you had to pass through an all-too-familiar life story, your dad’s life, aunt’s life, a life similar to your colleague’s, your boss. A couple’s life, a retired man’s life… A traveller’s life, a merchant’s or a sailor’s life? Which one? A painter’s maybe? Why do you feel like floating only on the surface, whatever you do… What is the deepest point you can sink into? Why it feels shallow regardless of how deep you go. You are already filled with desires, ambitions, targets, debts, colleagues, teachers. Whatever is in your plate it is too full that you are not sure what is missing. You tried to empty your life a bit, packed light to travel to some other countries, changed jobs, changed houses, went to ashrams, churches, you lit many candles, wished something so many times… But each time you tried to empty more came back in. New people, new clothes, new beliefs, new ideas, new definitions… Your plate was still full, only with different things.
You looked more sincerely to see the small silence sitting in your plate and stared at the empty corner it is holding. That was when you started to stare at it and see it grow. You suspected that you may not be able to empty your plate, but you might be able to fill it with emptiness. This is when you started to acknowledge emptiness as a matter, as an entity. From the ashes of your Phoenix a silent you, a new man started to rise.
Looking back at your childhood you see how gradually you have built an identity around you. Now you let it burn down and you allow the new man within you to happen. You understand you are not a rigid definition, not even a continuum, you are a revival, happening each time. You now wonder about the new man and the nature of it. It is not a structure building up slowly, it is a discovery happening at each step. It is meeting the new man, it is watching its happening with blank mind and closed eyes.
Smell of the ocean reaches out to you, your senses are alive, pebbles in your hands are warm, itching sand makes you smile. At each step you know it is a statement, you take full responsibility for its happening. You see, it is bold in its silence.
The ineffable becomes visible. You disown the rest.